Om mani padme hum
A piece of my soul died last night. My heart is broken. I loved her more than just about anything on this earth because of what she'd been through and how I'd seen her just get up and walk away from it, and how she'd bounce on her front 2 legs whenever there was food in the offing, and how she'd start barking just because everybody else was barking. Because above all else there was so much joy in being a dog - even if all your previous life had been nothing but pain and suffering. It still felt damn good to roll around in seaweed. And make sure that your pee was the top pee on the 3rd tree down the street from your house.
It's one of the down-sides of fostering and I don't know if I'll be able to foster again. I had her for six months so she became like my own dog but I had no trouble giving her up because I knew she was going to a good home but I didn't think at the time I'd have no say in life or death decisions.
I was 2 hours late for work yesterday because I just couldn't bear to leave Buttercup. Life is so cheap and yet so precious. The pain of love can be so unbearable - I couldn't stand to leave her knowing that to go would just be wasted time away from her presence. I'll have so much of that far too soon. It's so un-Buddhist to cling so tightly. I wish I'd never met these dogs sometimes.
And so then they're gone and all you're left with is the image of her with a needle being put into her back leg and a confused look coming into her eyes as she looks into the owners eyes that you hand picked for her and then the life drains from her body really quickly and then she's dead and there's no turning back. And you'll never know what could've been.
And we both mourn.
Om gate gate para gate para samgate bodhi svaha